6 months ago tonight I lay on a cold hard hospital bed surrounded by wires, stroking the sweet soft face of my beautiful 3 year old daughter. I could only handle a few moments being there with her before the urge to flee took over and I would take a break out in the waiting area while our dear pastor Leon and his wife stayed faithfully by her side. The stench of death tickled my nostrils while all the beeping from the many machines pounded like drums in my head. They were playing soft loving songs, lullabies..songs that you sang as you lovingly held your child and rocked them to sleep, not to be heard as one lay there waiting for one's child to die.
Here are some excerpts from my facebook post from that fateful night....
i really have no words for the pain and the giant hole in my very soul. My baby girl Abby Marie is laying in a hospital bed all full of wires and tubes and fighting for her very life. Around 11:15 i helped her get dressed in her swim suit as she wanted to go swimming with the big kids. The next moments are a blur and the horror of the day keeps replaying in my mind as I try to lay down to sleep.
Please rest they say...I can't seem to close my eyes.
In about 2 hours (4 am CST) they plan to take her paralytic meds off and then do a brain activity test. So far they are saying there is none there, tho her heart is beating on its own. I can not tell you how awesome your prayers and support have been so far. People have come from everywhere and a group of women (1/2 I had never met) arrived at 1 am to have a prayer meeting.
My brain is jumbled but I don't think I have ever felt such peace in the midst of such tragedy. We have repeatedly placed her into the hands of the one who gave her life and while we totally 100% that HE could really show off and do some major miracles we also know that Heaven could be so much sweeter with her there.
If you continue remembering us in your prayers, some specifics are:
**Grace, peace and supernatural strength for the moments ahead with the decisions we will be facing (we have been asked about organ donation and she is a viable candidate to gift someone with her heart at this point)
**Supernatural peace and healing of trauma for our 3 three precious ones who actually puled her out of the water and came to tell me she had (in their words) drowned.
**our continued ability to trust even when our world is crashing in around us....
Then came the morning and the moment we were dreading but waiting for, saying goodbye, which is truly more heart wrenching then can be penned with words. It is a feeling I will never ever forget and most sincerely hope God will not ask me to experience again. It makes me want to vomit just thinking of it.
Her 3 years went by way to quickly. The time that has passed since drags on. 6 months. 1/2 of a year. Forever....
Grief is exhausting. All of us are grieving so differently. Lowell is quiet and pensive at times only occasionally expressing through tears. Recently when someone mentioned her to us, he remarked later that he wondered why they didn't know we are only trying to forget and don't wish to be reminded. I on the other hand am a constant fountain. I cry to random strangers and tell them my daughter just died. I am all about hugs and remembering. I write and ramble in public ways and speak to groups when asked.
Her story must be told. Her life is not meaningless and goes on and just as she did when she was here with us she goes on touching people's lives. Recently someone commented to us how they still can not comprehend how someone so young and so small could make such an impression on everyone she met. That was our baby. That is our Abby...precious angel.
Today our friend Janet brought roses, 6 of them in Abby's favorite pink in red vase which makes us all think of her fire and spunk.
This is the same Janet Abby named her baby doll after.
How she loved that rather homely doll with the very strange eyes....
How does one get over death and those last moments, last kisses, last wishes and the dreams that went flying out the window (not to mention the creepy dead child photos)?
For Kali, the memories are almost to painful to absorb. Some days we can be just fine, the next the world is dark and grey with no happy anywhere. She told me today "mama our house is just so sad...everywhere I look I "see" Abby." Yes Honey, I know. I know.
I am thankful for the change of scenery, snow and our camper, out the window, the last view I had of her. I watched the little purple swimsuit make a wild dash to join her siblings and ignored the quiet urge to just go out with her. What if I had? What if I hadn't been so busy?...
But we can't go there. What if's are a waste of time and energy. Time moves on. I say "I love you" much more freely though I am ashamed to admit how grumpy and impatient I get with my loved ones.
Hunter is the easy going one. Everything is factual and he is often off in his own little world recalling things randomly that I have no recollection of. He has recently started being a bit more expressive about his sadness but always rebounds in a quick way to his carefree happy self.
Alexia too remembers random things and talks the most about missing her playmate, bossy one she was.
Daily we remember.
We remember her bright smile that lit the world around her and her loud rambunctious tone demanding what she thought was due her. And begging mama to take her photos...true treasures now!
We remember her little friends (this is one of the last photos I took of her) and how she prayed for them all by name every night. "Thank you Jesus for Maggie and Leah and Scarlett and Vidalia and Analiese...."
We remember that she is in a place of perfection and joy and we sure talk about Heaven a lot more then we ever did before.
We embrace the difference her life made and the legacy of her great big love for Jesus she left behind. I am thankful daily for the number of souls that have been brought to Jesus as a result of her passing. Her daddy's salvation has truly been a crown of beauty in the midst of the heavy grief and I am thankful for the joyous blessing and promise of Heaven in the midst of our mourning. I may not be quite to the festive praise part yet but I am confident Joy will once again reign in our midst right on the coat tails of our remembering.
Missing you baby girl...
In case you missed it here is the Tribute played at her funeral.
We are also in the process of getting the funeral dvd put on You tube for anyone who is interested in seeing it. If you care to follow my personal journey of grief on face book Remembering Abby page. It is set to private/closed group so that I know you really want to be there. Send me a request and I will gladly add you. The page has grown much bigger then I anticipated and has been a huge source of blessing to me, bringing prayer support and providing friendship links I would not have experienced otherwise.
Thank you for your love and friendship and for reading my ramblings!