Monday, December 1, 2014

The Journey

Today is yet another Monday.  Some days I actually think I may not dread them quite as much as at the beginning of this, our journey of grief.  I have been getting sleep now. Most nights. We are laughing again more amidst random surges of tears. We are on a journey of establishing our new normal.
I still can not walk the path to the barn with out reliving the emotions.  That is one journey that will never leave my mind I am afraid. I walk it the least amount of times possible.  Several times though in the last few weeks, Lowell has worked late, making it a necessity for me to take the journey, a most dreaded moment.  I literally have to gather my courage, square my shoulders and allow my body to absorb the trek that follows.  Mostly I have to do it at dusk, so the inevitable picture in my mind is starting to take a different shade.  Grief is a very dark journey.

"Abby, Abby" I scream not even realizing it. My children recently told
me that is one of their most hated memories of the day...mama's screams     

"Stay with me baby girl, please stay with me...I love you so much"
The run back to the house with my limp baby girl in my arms seems endless
The porch ever so far away.

"Get the phone Kali, PLEASE get the phone..."
I run effortlessly, faster then I realize possible.  The small hill is a mountain.
Grief is just like that.

The area, stark and cold where her little white picnic table stood, 
the one I laid her on as I cried and did CPR and waited the endless moments
for help.  The place where after many long moments her heart ever so faintly began
beating again signaling the start of the longest 21 hours of my life.

As I stand in this spot I realize I have once again come full circle. I walked the journey from start to finish and just like it is happening with our journey of grief, I survived.  Is it painful? YES! YES!  A million times YES!  Is it do-able? Yes, but not on my strength.  So thankful for the everlasting arms that carry me during the times when I don't think I can take one more step on my own.  
                                                          He is the strength in the journey.


We wanted to use some of the memorial fund to purchase a piece of furniture that we would have always.  Something that when we see it or use it, we remember our journey.
We chose a table and chairs for our dining room.  It came tonite (ironically - it's Monday) and is beautiful beyond my imagination, just like her.   

I love the intricate yet simple details. And we got 5 chairs.
This and more like it are amish made and available at Midwest Woodworks in Kalona, Iowa


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