I've been pondering a lot of things as I sit thinking about the year that is leaving and the year that is to come.
It's been a not so fun year with all my crazy health issues that lasted through out most of 18 months. My last living grandfather went to heaven this year.
Some dreams got worked on. Some dreams died.
Abby's been with Jesus for almost 4 1/2 years now and our family is doing alright. We've actually done well, I'd say, with all that has happened to me.
Recently though I started connecting some of the dots to key areas we seem to struggle with....It mostly boils down to allowing fear to dominate.
Several times it has come up in our grief therapy. I can see it in my children. It's much harder to identify in myself.
It hit me this past week.
Beings I have been so ill, we had made the choice late this past fall, to stay home from our yearly trek to spend Christmas with my parents and siblings in South Carolina. It was hard. I was sad. My children just about couldn't fathom Christmas with out Nana.
It turned out amazingly.
Pretty near perfect.
We had a friend's wedding on Saturday and hosted Lowell's mom, aunt and siblings/families on Sunday. Then it was just us. Just us, uninterrupted for 2 whole days. We played games, laughed, relaxed, ate fun food and stayed in our jammies. I realized a bit in, that making our own traditions wasn't half the work I had thought.
I can not remember the last time my husband and I laughed so much or did so much dreaming together.
It was refreshing.
As I lay down to sleep one night, those old emotions started knocking.
Our last 21 years has had its share of tough times. Sometimes I have really missed the fun we had before all the hard stuff hit. We used to laugh more. We hosted people and enjoyed it immensely. We planned things together and had the most fun seeing them through. Looking at old photos, shows the laughter in our eyes and not the deep underlying grief and sadness.
It seems life is full of seasons and the last real magical time was the family trip to Edisto beach. The ocean greeted us with open arms. All 5 of us have expressed feeling the magic of that time with my parents and siblings and their families. We took a gazillion photos, ate seafood hammer down, played games and built sandcastles. We rode bikes around the island and ran after the ice cream truck. We took a huge family photo on the beach complete with Pawpaw dancing around to keep the tears at bay.
2 months later Abby went to heaven and joy seemingly left, leaving grumpy tear filled days in its place.
Our Miss Kendra has explained many times that in grief, it may be hard to allow oneself to enjoy life, to laugh, to live fully.
Like I said, I see it in my kidos. My youngest in particular goes bananas, usually ending up hiding under her pillow when we watch a funny show as a family. Laughter is almost frightening.
Her young mind and the trauma she has experienced put up a wall that make the joy in daily life painful.
As I lay, trying to sleep, pondering the thoughts slamming through my brain, it suddenly hit me.
Coming through the magic of a few amazing, seriously enjoyable days serves as a breeding ground for a heavy feeling of doom and almost bracing myself for another tragedy and losing another soul I love.
I can not and will not live there.
Don't get me wrong. I am not naive. I know that life is full of good days and bad days, happy and sad, blessing and tragedy.
I am well acquainted with grief. My rose colored glasses have long since disappeared.
But, God is faithful. He is good. I can indeed trust HIM in the easy and the hard. He is with me in the valley and on the mountain top. I am also fully aware that the trauma we have faced as a family will continue to affect how we see things. But, I know that when the hard emotions come along, He will walk with me through the working through them process.
Do I then have it all together?
But I know He does....
So as I set off into 2019, my conscious thought process is to allow joy to seep in and bring the gifts of laughter and dreaming along with it, thus defeating the monsters of fear.
Who is with me?
My favorite fridge magnet
I would love to hear about your choice selections for 2019. I would also like to hear how I can pray for you!
Drop me a comment below or pm me. I LOVE to hear from you!
Happy New Year to you all!