Sunday, April 23, 2017

What if...

The past 2 1/2 years have been filled with lots of different questions and a million different emotions. 
I had thought that by this point in the journey that my emotional process may be different and that in some miraculous way the urges to flee from the suffocating stages of grief may have diminished.
They have some what. 
Time has a way. 
Somehow though the bubble I put around myself popped this week and the crash hasn't been all that pretty. 
On lookers may miss it. 
Even those I am close to can't necessarily see my inner soul (unless of course I blatter on publicly on social media)
Only God can.
While I know this to be truth and find it comforting mostly, I also know that my broken record reminders of clinging to Him in the eye of the storm are reality.  
BUT this doesn't mean the questions stop. 
And yes, I'm writing from that place. That broken place where the tears stain the keyboard and my stomach is in knots...the place and time where I long to just wrap up in my covers and stay put..the anti social place which my normal self disdains.
Those questions are endless as are the flashbacks (hello PTSD..)
What if I'd been not so busy and would have followed her out to the pool as my gut suggested?
What if we hadn't filled the pool more full then usual?
What if I'd been more on top of water safety?
and the Whys...
Why oh why did I have to endure the many years of infertility only to lose a part of my soul just when the tiresome, exhaustion of 4 very young ones was becoming just a tad bit easier?
Why did we have to be chosen to be parents who have lost?
I have the tendency to beat my self up over my need to know the what if and the why's answers.
However the longer I walk this journey, the more I realize in deeper ways how the God of the universe has shoulders big enough to handle my pidley and sometimes angry questions.
I am also seeing the many parallels to David's up and downs.  He is known as a man after God's own heart.  How much closer to God can you get then that? To know God's heart...
Psalms is full of emotions much like mine.  
Some days were good for David and he danced in the streets.  
Others were not so good and David moaned and groaned to his creator.  Ps 119:25 says "I am laid low in the dust. Preserve my life according to your word."  Definitely some depression going on and a not so dancing in the street day.
This week this has meant that in order to keep on with life I may need to change my what ifs and whys up a bit.
What if the bigger picture is much more beautiful then I can fathom?
What if the lessons make me better?
What if the horrid grief can be a tool to reach others?

I have a list of questions for God that I'd love to sit down and discuss with Him but I wonder if when we actually get up there to that glorious city, if they'll be all that important to me?

So for now I will continue to wrestle, to keep the faith, to get out of bed, to paste on the sometimes fake smile and remember that He is big enough to handle all my what ifs.

And of course we continually remember...Facebook has been throwing memories at me left and right. This is todays...

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you on your grief journey. The memories are painful at times, but also such a gift to have so many beautiful moments to look back on and cherish what was... It's 2 years & 2 months since we lost our grandson, Anthony. I don't suppose we will ever understand the "Why's" of tragedy. I suspect you are right, that when we get to Heaven it probably won't matter to us anymore. We know for sure that the sorrow & tears will be forever over when we get there.