Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God - unknown
How does one experience peace in the midst of complete chaos and the deepest pain one could fathom?
I used to question how one could remain calm and appear peaceable after having their life shattered by terrible tragedy or loss.
I am learning so much more about the large unseen presence that keeps one grounded when the current of constant tears, fears and doubts threaten to blow one away.
I can not explain it.
I am a worrier - always have been, probably always will be. I am constantly in a tizzy about life, especially when it comes to my babies. Even though 7 weeks ago, pure adrenalin carried me out to the cold cement where my daughter lay I did not feel terror as one might have expected. I felt an odd calm. Peace. I knew she was gone. I knew Jesus had her. Somehow that comforted me even though I cried out to him to please save her, meaning in my terms...please, please let me have her for a while yet.
He did what I asked, just not in my way.
Now before you go thinking I am all perfect and have it all together, let me put your mind at ease... be assured I do not. I still worry and fret and get really really angry (still working on that part big time!) and all that yucky stuff.
Since Abby left, my health for example has thrown some GIANT curve balls at me. We have the flu at our house right now. I am one of the lucky recipients along with several of the others. That is no fun and I keep having giant pity parties for myself. Why this now? Com-mon GOD! Give me a break...
Another thing I wasn't expecting at my physical a couple of weeks ago was to hear my doctor say I had a lump somewhere I wasn't supposed to have one. My little cocoon of peace kind of exploded right then and there. My kidos just lost their baby sister. Please God they really can't lose their mommy....big worry...little or no peace.
I have been tempted to be quiet about this particular worry/fear because of it being more private in nature. I mean, lots of people have lumps that are nothing. Not everyone needs to know about mine. Ha! I can hear the sighs (ah that is so Dorothy-ish) and clicking of tongues as people ponder my insanity at blogging about things of such nature. Mine is supposedly also nothing..we just have to watch it and wait. Does that make it any less frightening? Not exactly.
But then as I ponder about how God has worked the most in me I see it is usually when I am "blunt" for Him, something that believe it or not is not always easy for this jabber mouth.
The evil one loves nothing more then for me to curl up in a corner and cower in fear.
Fear, my friends, is the greatest enemy of peace. Sometimes I fear that because I am vocal I am a bigger target for the enemy. Makes sense right? hmmm? He after all doesn't like when we get the word out about the great God we serve. If there is one thing I keep learning though, it is simply the re-occuring phrase that keeps running through my mind...GOD IS BIGGER.
He is bigger then my fear. He is bigger then the hole the size of Texas that has taken over my heart. He is bigger then the cancer my dear friends Jan and Danielle are battling. He is bigger then financial woes and wars and rumors of wars and obama care and all the other politically charged things around that strike fear and worry in many of our hears.
That, in and of itself, is why we can experience peace even when our circumstances are less then peaceful and far from perfect and when things do not go according to our plans.
He will carry us. He is carrying me. He is the ability to put one foot in front of the other, the strength to get back to work. He is joy in the small details like figuring out what we want to do on our vacation. He is provision of prayer warriors, who like one of my favorite stories in the old testament, (Exodus 17- Aaron and Hur held up Moses' arms when he was to tired and weak and the battle was won) lift my family and I up when we are to weak to pray on our own. He is being able to face each new day and remember that even though it is still so dark and ugly and painful to open our eyes, each moment of each day is truly a gift from HIM.
He is and will always and forever be Peace.