Well I really just love words period.
I love how much better I feel when I can simply release, get the words that are pounding on the door of my soul out into the atmosphere.
Not that they are always profound or meant to change the world. But they do. They change my world. My little corner of space. My canvas. My place...
I started this blog as a means to cherish and record the moments of my life that though seemingly small are significant in the big picture.
Then grief came. And the darkness descended on those moments and I wondered if I would ever see the beauty in them again.
It does that. That monster.
Grief changes everything.
I thought I understood it before.
Back in those infertility years when God seemed to be with holding the very thing I just knew I needed to be who He had created me to be. A mommy. I grieved the years I saw as "wasted". That in between space where I spent hours consumed with the disillusionment I felt deep in my soul.
Then came the exhaustion of 4 babies in 4 years and the falling in love with each one as God gifted them to us. The she died. And the grief I thought I knew all about became a silly side note in the overcoming deep ocean of continuous hammering on my soul. I had loved, opening my heart to a little soul who, despite the spunky annoyances she often presented, wormed her way into the deepest crevice of my heart. My grief of yonder year was abstract, obsolete in the crashing waves of having loved.
Since then my crusade and mission has been to make the best of the mess, make lemons into sweet lemonade, see the beauty in the crap. Sorry that may sound rough and uncouth. But its there deep inside and sometimes it just comes rumbling out. I am like a broken record. I hear the sighs, the complaints, the mumble grumbling from weary mamas who think their season of hardships will never end.
The baby won't sleep...... I wish I had a baby to sit and hold.
Diapers are so expensive. I am sure the kid will be in diapers in kindergarten...... I wish I still had someone to buy diapers for.
I can't wait till my kid goes off to school....... I wish I still had my little someone here to bug me...
Now don't get me wrong. I know mommy hood is among the most exhausting, frustrating yet freakishly awesome task. I know the seasons that are ever so short seem like they take years.
I am no saint. I still yell at my kids. I still need breaks and mommy time. But my perspective has revolved into something I would not have come around to had I not experienced the love/loss cycle.
I have lost track of the amount of times I have challenged mamas to go hug their children.
But that is what it boils down to.
It's what counts. It's being present with our children. Truly present. Sometimes that is hard. Very hard. A fellow grieving mama recently asked me if I can enjoy my remaining children. Her words struck a core deep inside. It has seemed like life is over shadowed. But we must go on living.
Not only do they, but we also deserve to live in joyful moments. Life isn't pie in the sky. Sometimes though the deliciousness of something sweet brings the reality of joy back around.
Those moments. They aren't always happy.
But they deserve cherishing.
They will soon be memories.
I wanna make them good ones....
So through all that rambling I get back to the whole play on words - I want to truly be present to enjoy the presence of the presents God has gifted me with.