Monday, June 23, 2014

Confessions From a Tired Mama

 I used to have a list of ideals of how people should live out the process of mothering. Now that my infertility and those crazy lists are but a dim memory far in the past I am learning more and more about the reality of mothering. ( how crazy ridiculous most of my ideals actually were AND how very judgemental I was of those hard working mommys in my world)
Most of the time I am hopelessly in love with the fact that I am actually a mommy.

But then there are those days....
I would have never thought going to the bathroom by myself would be such a big deal.  I now confess that there are times when I go in, lock the door and take a longggg time just so I can read my latest Family Circle or Mary Janes's Farm magazine in quiet. Usually at the beginning of the "time" there is much shouting and pounding on the door as if the world out side the door can not go on with out me. But as the moments pass, quiet actually sometimes happens and I get a few pages read that seemingly energize and help my perspective.
Then there are those times when the wining and seemingly constant bickering and picking on each other makes my brain spin and I now confess some of those moments send me into a state of oblivious dreaming of time far far away...(and yes, our little recent honeymoon hasn't helped with that - it was NICE to be ALONE and it makes me wish to be closer to my mama and sisters so we could do it more often)
My reflexology and essential oils business has picked up majorly over the past months.  I am busier now then I have ever been.  I can not express how nice that is!  I love my work and the clients who provide our grocery money but I confess it gets downright exhausting.  Combine that with regular life, cultivating friendships, caring for aging family members, and the fact that I have 4 healthy lively blessings (with unending energy sources) between the ages of 3 and 8,  it can look downright daunting at times. My house work suffers ( I can't even get into my attic/storage space right now ;) ) my kids suffer, my lover suffers.  I am exhausted. Period.
Recently I began to pray about our life, my constant huffing and puffing and some behavior issues we are facing with our children. I was drawn to Matthew 11:28 where is says, "come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest"... What is rest? Is that something attainable for/granted to mommys?
When I begin to analyze I must confess I figured out the obvious, I am probably mostly to blame for my own tiredness and probably in part for the tiredness of other mamas around me.  I spend way to much time worrying about what others will think of me and my mothering.  I worry about how others perceive my children.  I worry about the fact that I am the old one - I am almost 40 and most of my mommy friends are in their 20's or early 30's. (hmmm there is only one letter difference between old and odd- perhaps I will brand myself as odd instead )
Why do we as people hand out judging so freely when often like me in my infertility days I had no idea how exhausting mothering could really be? Why do we not spend more time encouraging one another in whatever tasks or places in life God has called us to, mothering or not? Like one of those days recently I opened up my fb and a friend from another state who I never see,  sent me this message: "I don't know why but I feel that the Lord wants me to tell you that you are a great mother to your children! So be encouraged and blessed by that! That's what He thinks of you!"  Needless to say, that message has a permanent place in my inbox.  Not only did it arrive in God's perfect timing but it was so right on in the exact words I needed at that moment!
                                      I thought this veggie tales photo says it so well -what a reminder!

So besides the fact that I want to be more conscious of my words and actions towards others around me, a big part of rest for me means taking some action. For starters, I  made the decision to work with clients 2 days a week instead of 5 or 6. I won't be entering my children into every possible activity and I am learning to say no even to good and fun things!

  Hopefully this will give me more time to spend with my little chef 

or drinking tea and celebrating life

I am also going to prioritize spending more time with my love 

Regardless, I must confess I think my life is pretty blessed, tiredness and all!

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