Faithfulness

Great is the Faithfulness O God my Father...

My 3rd child is 7 today. Alexia Magdalene.  Named after my mother. 

 I can not browse through the photos of her birth and the time surrounding with out a teensy bit of sad seeping through the cracks and crevices.  

 2008-2009...That was a hard time. The hardest I had known then.

 Lowell & I had just experienced loss in huge ways....our business, home and our marriage were broken, falling apart at the seams.  

At 8 months pregnant I went to stay with my parents under the pretense of wanting to give birth in one of those fabulous free standing birthing centers (that was the truth...) But I was hurting, beaten down and with out hope.  I spent most of the time carrying her in tears.  I wonder if that is part of her personality and brooding nature now. Even though God was at work, it was hard to see at times in those long 11 months we were apart. I didn't know if God was going to do a miracle and save our marriage which lay in shambles. BUT, God was close.  Closer then I had experienced and I grew tremendously in Him that year. He has that habit...sneaking into the bad places where He seems the furthermost away and doing his redemptive work. 

We were in the minority of couples that are able to reconcile and continued on life's road. Our reconciliation produced instant proof of God's mercies when Abby was born 9 months after we got back together. Her name Father's Joy was proof of God's power and redemptive favor and joy in us and our growing little family.

As we have lived through the grief of losing Abby, we have seen time and time again how God's faithfulness shines through. 

Alexia has been traumatized immensely in the loss of her younger sister and built in playmate and near twin (not quite 18 months separated them)

 Despite the grief she is a spunky darling bundle and brings much joy to our home even through her spots of melancholy. 

She is growing into quite the young lady.  She loves to spend time following me about, baking and cooking. She loves fairy tales and all things princess.

 She is silly and giggles and love.

So as we celebrate another year of the beautiful gift of her, we marvel again at the story that is being woven with her life and how God's faithfulness is obvious.  

He truly is good and amazing in gifting us with the preciousness.

Happy Birthday Princess!

For Better of For Worse - Reflections on Marriage

Disclaimer: I in no way an expert on marriage. 
 We as a couple, like many of you have walked thru some tough stuff  (financial calamity, separation, death of a child, illness in family) and have found God faithful.  I must write simply to get my racing thoughts out before my head explodes....Our history has brought hurting marriages to our door, seeking the hope we live.  These thoughts come from those interactions which come as a result of deep pondering and intimate searching in my own heart. 

When we married nearly 19 years ago we had no idea the roads we would walk. If you had told me then what I know now, I would not have believed that I could still live and live with joy with the man God has blessed me with. After all he was and remains my hunk, my knight in shining armor, the one I wanted to ask me out in the worst way, begging God to allow it to happen....  Are we perfect? Absolutely not.  We mess up.  We fight. (just ask our kids) But God has gifted us with truths that have come to us at the right times that have helped us make it through the crappy moments and I can truly say that despite all of the pain I am happier now then I have ever been.  I didn't get there over night. And I still stray away from there...that happiness. BUT,  Love is so much more then emotion.
If I could put down on paper a list of truths that have helped us most, these would be on it. No specific rhyme or reason just my random thoughts coming out as they do, maybe not profound but specific in our process.

#1. Love is not a fairy tale:  (Duh, right?) As young girls, society puts a selfish twist on expectations.  What will make me feel good?  Who will do everything right for me? I am a princess... This is dangerous as it sets the grounds for much disappointment in marriage and results in many never marrying as that perfection can't be found. Now before you turn me off completely let me say that romance is a gift to be treasured and happily ever after DOES exist.  My prince may not ride in on his sleek shiny stallion bearing roses and chocolate each week, but he does ride in bearing gifts, a new dish brush or broom or a block of my favorite Muenster 
cheese.

#2. Laugh together, MUCH!  About a year ago my man came home from work all excited about a you tube clip his buddy had shown him.  I was nearly to busy to watch and could have completely squelched his excitement.  He had found the series, "Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage".  This has been huge for us.  We have learned so much about each other and have re established laughter in our home on a daily basis. Laughter is healing. It may not be this series that helps you but please find something that you can do together that makes you laugh...


#3.Take the time to hold hands:  Case in point.  One of our counselors made us do that many a moon ago.  You can't really continue to fight if you hold hands.  And it's fun too.  The other night, we had 2 hours completely alone that of course had to be filled with glorious stops like Aldi and Walmart.  Not having any little hands to hold brings nice opportunity...and togetherness.

#4.Study the Bible: We all know this.  But it is easier suggested then done. Sometimes when one is raised in a society saturated with the Bible, one can be lazy.  That's me anyhow,  But the Bible has wisdom. Divine wisdom, about life, love, marriage.  And tho it would be nice to see handwriting in the sky, we have truth in our hands. That word has shown us much.  This is an area that has long disturbed me.  The women that sit with me, opening their hearts and their pain, revealing the less then Godly situations they live in, a great percentage of them are tormented by the scriptures that are picked apart and not taught as a whole. These are the ones who live with abuse whether it be physical, emotional or mental. The "wives submit" verse is hammered but the "submit yourselves one to another" and "husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church" are largely ignored. Lowell and I don't necessarily study together but we often discuss what God is showing us in HIS word.  In our personal situation Lowell's new found salvation has made all the difference in the world.... 


#5.  Be a cheeerleader: While Lowell & I are not necessarily on the same page on all issues or even our hobbies, we have found that stuff flows much more smoothly when we jump on each others bandwagons. He may not appreciate the energy my "causes" (events, pets etc) take but he supports me whole heartedly by taking care of the kids, offering muscle power and telling me "I can do it.."  In return, while I may not agree with his choices,  hunting, or the current political candidate he supports etc, I engage him in conversation about what he LOVES to talk about and try to join him in action as well. 

#6.  Establish your own family unit: This is a tough one.  Sometimes the apron strings are well secured. Extended family is a gift, but one that must be kept in balance. When we say "I do" we are now a unit, a family, me & you. Finding correct levels of interaction can be challenging and we must always use kindness and respect but for us setting boundaries that protect our "me & you" has been vital to growth and health in "us".

#7. Encourage Friendship: Friendship is vital for health in marriage. Not only do I need female friendship that helps me use up my quota of daily words and emotions but He needs time to just do guy stuff.  It make "us" work better as long as we surround ourselves with upbuilding and encouraging people who are passionate about our marriage flourishing.  Ultimately God is the only one who can fill the voids we feel, but friendships designed by him can aid in the process. 

#8. Cherish the Gift:  How does one treat an antique heirloom or piece of value? We care for it, making every effort to insure that it is kept safely, not  scratched or dented or broken.  Our marriages are like that gift.  They are meant to be treasured, to be kept safe, protected. If I view Lowell in the correct context, I easily remember. He is my gift.  My treasure.  I am blessed!

Present for the Presents

I love a good play on words.
Well I really just love words period.
I love how much better I feel when I can simply release, get the words that are pounding on the door of my soul out into the atmosphere.
Not that they are always profound or meant to change the world.  But they do. They change my world. My little corner of space. My canvas.  My place...
I started this blog as a means to cherish and record the moments of my life that though seemingly small are significant in the big picture.
Then grief came. And the darkness descended on those moments and I wondered if I would ever see the beauty in them again.
It does that.  That monster.
 Grief changes everything.
I thought I understood it before.
 Back in those infertility years when God seemed to be with holding the very thing I just knew I needed to be who He had created me to be.  A mommy.  I grieved the years I saw as "wasted". That in between space where I spent hours consumed with the disillusionment I felt deep in my soul.
Then came the exhaustion of 4 babies in 4 years and the falling in love with each one as God gifted them to us.  The she died. And the grief I thought I knew all about became a silly side note in the overcoming deep ocean of continuous hammering on my soul. I had loved, opening my heart to a little soul who, despite the spunky annoyances she often presented, wormed her way into the deepest crevice of my heart.  My grief of yonder year was abstract, obsolete in the crashing waves of having loved.
Since then my crusade and mission has been to make the best of the mess, make lemons into sweet lemonade, see the beauty in the crap.  Sorry that may sound rough and uncouth. But its there deep inside and sometimes it just comes rumbling out.  I am like a broken record. I hear the sighs, the complaints, the mumble grumbling from weary mamas who think their season of hardships will never end.
The baby won't sleep......  I wish I had a baby to sit and hold.
Diapers are so expensive.  I am sure the kid will be in diapers in kindergarten......  I wish I still had someone to buy diapers for.
I can't wait till my kid goes off to school.......  I wish I still had my little someone here to bug me...
Now don't get me wrong.  I know mommy hood is among the most exhausting, frustrating yet freakishly awesome task.  I know the seasons that are ever so short seem like they take years.
I am no saint.  I still yell at my kids.  I still need breaks and mommy time. But my perspective has revolved into something I would not have come around to had I not experienced the love/loss cycle.
I have lost track of the amount of times I have challenged mamas to go hug their children.
But that is what it boils down to.
It's what counts. It's being present with our children.  Truly present.  Sometimes that is hard. Very hard.  A fellow grieving mama recently asked me if I can enjoy my remaining children.  Her words struck a core deep inside.  It has seemed like life is over shadowed. But we must go on living.
Not only do they, but we also deserve to live in joyful moments.  Life isn't pie in the sky.  Sometimes though the deliciousness of something sweet brings the reality of joy back around.
Those moments. They aren't always happy.
But they deserve cherishing.
They will soon be memories.
I wanna make them good ones....
So through all that rambling I get back to the whole play on words - I want to truly be present to enjoy the presence of the presents God has gifted me with.

1 year in Heaven

This week has been a roller coaster of emotion.
If there has been a silver lining to the storm clouds the past few months, it has been that we were able to refresh ourselves away from the constant reminders of her death.  While we love our home, it is filled to the brim with her.  We remember what she did here and what she said there and how she was silly under there. And where she died. While the flashbacks still affected each of us while we were gone, the severity and intensity wore off a bit and we can or I should say I can feel like life is maybe just a tad bit more normal.  New normal.
We arrived home from Mama's on Tuesday which in our reality is the day she left officially but of course with the calendar life goes on...Lowell and I spoke of how Mondays and Tuesdays are still THE day and will always be. Randomly we cried and laughed as we drove along in Bessie remembering her the best we can.  Memory is changing.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel her soft skin but her voice is fading.
Wednesday, July 15 was cloudy and dreary most all day with intermittent sprinkles reminding me of all the tears that have fallen around our parts this year.  To me, I decided to let the day come as it may and to not hide away to shed my tears. We talked of her randomly through the day but it is seeming the intense emotion is beginning to dull for the children.  For me, I can cry quickly but it is not so fresh that I cry all the time and the crying is done and over more quickly.
 We talked of how Abby has been living with Jesus for 1 year now.  At one point, one of the children asked how old Abby is now. I never know what to say for sure as the whole time thing in Heaven is so different.  We wondered about if she will always be 3 or if she is getting ready to be 5.
Lex has been praying in her prayers at night that God would please give Abby a good day. I smile and let her express her heart and am glad that Abby's reality is always good unlike our life here.
The perspective of children is always refreshing....

Our sweet friends Sara and Hannah organized a memorial for us at Abby's grave the evening of the anniversary day.  My amazing friend Shawna (She is just launching a fab photography studio shawna marie imaging that you can visit currently on facebook...head over and like her page!) was there snapping away capturing the poignant moments as 75+ of our family and friends gathered with us to remember.
 Sara had gotten a gazillion balloons in shades of pink and red with special heart shaped ones for us 5. She took a pic of Abby and let the children and whoever else wanted to write a message on the backs and tied them to the balloon ribbons. Pastor Perry prayed a prayer and we sang Jesus Loves me just like we did at the funeral and then we stood and watched as they floated away.
Afterwards we all gathered in the basement and ate cookies and just plain sat and talked. It was peaceful, relaxing and fun.
Shawna put together a slide show which showcases perfectly the emotion of the evening.

                                            

I had decided not to go back to work this week yet.  I needed to settle back in. And I wanted to work on the Abby Memorial event, (Light up the night - remembering Abby) we had been planning to do this past weekend but due to mama's illness had to postpone.  

I am happy to announce that we have a date.  Friday evening, Sept 18, 2015 from 5-8 pm

We are still working on location and final details but my dedicated helper and event brain Sara has all sorts of surprises up her sleeves and the event will truly have something for everyone, for all ages including but not limited to children's carnival, concerts, tournaments, shopping and of course food! We are still looking for vendors for our vendor fair. We have quite the line up but would still love to have Tupperware, Wildtree and Pampered Chef. 

 All of the proceeds will go to Amanda the Panda family grief camp which has been a tremendous support for our family this year. I had written about them and our camp experience in my last blog (amanda the panda)   when we announced the date for the original date.  

Next weekend we hope to launch the event page and sign up page where anyone will be able to donate time and /or money towards this fun event!  Be watching.  You won't want to miss this.

We are indeed blessed to have the amazing circle of people we do to walk this road with us.  Thank you for continuing to walk this path with us....All of you!

Amanda the Panda Family Grief Camp Weekend

Our family was recently privileged to be a part of a wonderful weekend put on by Amanda the Panda Family Grief Center.  This wonderful organization was founded to help families deal with the loss of a child but has branched out over the years to include other loss as well.  Our counselor, Miss Kendra (Imagine Therapy Solutions)  had recommended this particular weekend to us months ago and we signed up right away.
As time drew closer, all of us at one point or another experienced cold feet and wondered if this was really for us.  It was. And we are all so glad we went. We came away feeling like God had orchestrated so many special moments just for us!
 I did not take a single photo.  Special thanks to the fabulous professionals who were there to preserve the memories of the weekend!

Amanda herself greeted us on arrival!  The children, especially Alexia were actually 

scared of her and hung back.  By the end they were hugging her every chance they got.  Lex told me

"Mama, Amanda is so sweet.  She was just there to give us hugs and high fives"

Hunter experienced terrible separation anxiety the few weeks proceeding and I called Carmen and Cindy, the camp leaders anxiously asking them if it would be ok if he needed us at camp.  They assured me the kidos would stay so busy and wouldn't think of us.  I don't think they did. 

Upon arrival we went to the huge common area where we all got tshirts and name tags and the kidos got to choose a new teddy bear from a massive stack of beauties.  

Then it was time to start the fun and they were whisked off to their dorms while Lowell and I went to find our cabin and meeting area.

From what I have gathered they spent some group time sitting and sharing about their loss.  They made beautiful crafts and played games and of course ate.  The big highlight was time with Amanda and the silly Crazy George who made random appearances all weekend. And they still talk frequently of their new friends and their group leaders. 

Crazy George "sneaking" cookies

We caught you Crazy George!

Kali described this as beautiful puff balls and says it represents all the beauty of God's creation 

around us and that as we notice that beauty we need to express love.  In other words when we love someone, let them know...

Who has camp with out Smores?

Alexia & Hunter's group - The Turtles

Kali's group ironically had the name Monkeys -how fitting!

Meanwhile Lowell and I were off with our own group.  Adults with loss.  A few of us couples had lost a child.  Several others had lost spouses, some friends, some parents.  But our grief tied us together.

We spent time the first day working through the yucky stuff like remembering the events of the day of death.  An activity that got to me was called the 5 senses where they asked us to put down what we remember "sense" wise from that day...that was hard.  But we went there together.

The first day also included all of us writing thoughts on the anger wall, us in our group and the children in theirs. After we finished we all trudged outside in the dreary afternoon, placed the poster board in front of a tree and took turns throwing eggs at it symbolizing the releasing of anger. I had quite the experience with that one.  It felt silly at first but then it got more fun.  One of the brave leaders saw how challenged I was with aim and held up the board so I could hit it. As the egg went sailing towards the target I gasped in horror as I realized that it was headed not for the target at all but straight for Tom's forehead.  I didn't live that one down all weekend and yes thanks to his quick thinking he kept his head clean.

As time went on the boards got uglier as the goopy smear washed down the words we had written.  The last thing before bed was actually burning the board in all of its ugliness on our campfire.

The next day we would focus on remaining blessings and the gifts of love left us from those we lost.  Those beautiful canvases are displayed at Amanda's house in Des Moines.

We were fed like queens and kings and waited on hand and foot.  The kidos got warm cookies.

We enjoyed craft time.  All of us especially enjoyed the Tie Dye

In the evening we took a hayride back to the beautiful pond (Wesley woods is a beautiful camp!) where we were given bunches of daisies.  As we plucked off each daisy and pitched it on to the pond, we were to reflect on favorite memories.  Lowell and I walked to a far corner and giggled and wept as we picked off our daises and watched them float away.  So beautiful.  So meaningful.  Wish we had photos...

On the way back to our cabins we were supposed to quietly respect the others in their own thought processes. However not one but 2 flat tires later amidst much laughter and kid like campfire ghost stories we were rescued by the big yellow bus and the mood stayed light through out the rest of the night.  Laughter is such a gift.

On Sunday we finished up our wall of love, which was just the opposite of the ugly anger board, and went to meet the kids for closing ceremonies and lunch. There each family was called to the front and given a white bird balloon and a marker to write messages on it.  I sat there in dread until "the family of Abby Miller"  then the tears came.  We got our balloon, wrote our messages and wept as we walked together out into the beautiful sunshine where the birds were released.

We watched them till they faded from view

There are so many more things I could write about.  A doctor came to answer our questions about death. We were given personal time to share our story.  There was a beautiful candlelight vigil where we lit red bear candles and shared photos of our loved ones. And we did have chocolate.  The food was amazing... O my. We are so blessed to have been able to participate!

Sporting our new tie dye

On the way home the children were talking of all the great memories and Kali says "Mama, I would like to raise money to help other families enjoy Amanda like we have".  

So our family is setting out to do just that! 

 We are so very excited to announce a memorial fundraiser in Abby's honor.  It will be simply titled "Light Up the Night ~ Remembering Abby".  

Our Goal is to use the first anniversary of her death to bring hope and joy to our family and to the lives of other families who have lost or will lose children like we have, not to mention bring some light to the darkness of July 15. (THIS EVENT HAS BEEN POSTPONED TILL SEPTEMBER.  WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED! )  *****updated info!*****

This event will be held Friday evening, Sept 18, 2015 from 5 to 8 pm at a to be announced location in rural Kalona.  So many wonderful people are working with us to make this a beautiful celebration of the vibrancy Abby represents. It will hopefully be a fun night for people of all ages.  Our dear cousin Sara is helping me brainstorm and plan and has brought many wonderful gifts to the table.  Also key in this process are the fabulous ladies responsible for the camp we attended, Laura, Cindy & Carmen.

Amanda the Panda will be there as well as Abby's favorite princesses. Yup,  my sweet new friend Kim will be there with her fab team and special guests, Snow Queen & the Ice Princess (AKA Anna & Elsa) as well as Rapunzel who is the theme behind the grand finale of the evening, the releasing of beautiful Chinese Lanterns.  There will be food, raffles, a silent auction and hopefully live music as well as vendors so you can shop if that grabs your fancy.  (I already have Younique, Jamberry, Mary Kay, Norwex and Zumba coming) There will be a corn hole  tournament as well as volleyball and of course the Kid's carnival.  So there will be something for everyone to enjoy! 

Many of you have asked how you can help.  Here is a list of some things we may need.

• We will need sponsors so as much of the money as possible can go to our cause.
• We will need items such as food, drinks.
• We are still looking for musicians to do 30 minute or so mini concerts.
• We will need volunteers to staff the various events
• We still have space for vendors.  I would love to see Pampered Chef, Tupperware, Wildtree and more!
• We are hoping for a photographer to capture the evening in photos.
• We need your prayers.  This is much larger then us already and will take some energy to pull off.

Amanda the Panda is a non profit organization that offers free grief services to people all over Iowa.  Free is key to people in grief. So much of our live is consumed with mere survival.  Not having to worry about cost for such services is a gift!

You can also join our FB page Remembering Abby for personal updates on our family and how we are coping with our grief.  I will posting updates about the big event there as well as on my personal FB page.

Once again, I can not thank you enough for walking this tough journey with us.  

You are loved!

"Living" with Grief

"Only Grieving can release us from grief" - Joan Chittister

"Going on" with "normal" life since Abby has gone is one of the most challenging things I have ever faced.  What is normal? And just what exactly is the "new normal" everyone keeps referring to and how will it look for us and our newly restructured family of 5? 

At first in those nightmarish weeks that followed her death, I wanted to run from the grief and the numbing pain. Now at the 9 month mark,  I am learning to embrace it as I have come to understand that for me, embracing and truly feeling "it" actually facilitates healing. 

Watching my children grieve and trying to walk with them has been very interesting and enlightening.  Not only do they each portray their feelings VERY differently, they truly are all doing the process differently.  Lowell and I are like that.  What blesses me can sometimes be a huge irritation or painful reminder for him and vice versa. 

I write, hence the fact you are here.  It is soothing for me to pen words and send them out in to virtual never never land.  I have spoken my piece.  I have gotten pressure of words needing to burst out off my chest. And like the mentioned in the Bible, healing balm of Gilead, people respond.  You pray. You encourage.  You walk this most painful journey with me.

For my children, I am finding that our grief therapy with Kendra Bailey (Imagine Therapy in North Liberty for you locals who may need someone...) and the activities she encourages are most helpful.

For Kali, the most unlikely thing has been so very wonderful....a doll! Now for those of you who really know her, you will remember she has never played with dolls.  Never.  All of a sudden she took and interest and purchased the American Girl knock off from Target with her birthday money from Nana. Now I find her quietly playing, nurturing, healing with her Claire...She told me the other day how she is going to hurry with her school work so she can have longer summer days to play with Claire.

 I am seeing more genuine smiles.....

For Hunter who has always been my deep thinker, he loves to build and design and create. His quiet sweetness has shown much strength but recently as we drew close to the 9 month mark, he seemed to be showing some distress. What I did not put together right away was how very deeply the death of our pastor who was only 59, affected him.  He shared a birthday with pastor Don who often brought him a birthday card treat. Now Don, like Abby, is with Jesus and one by one the circle of our family and friends leave.  What does that mean to the 7 year old mind?  The same mind who has to reabsorb and ponder the terrible flashbacks he sometimes verbalizes to me. He misses her and now instead of telling jokes he is showing a deeper grief that some days consumes him. But he is resilient and soon is back to his jolly self and keeps quite busy with his challenges of creating, building and problem solving.

usual thoughtful pose with sucker or candy drop in mouth

My princess, Miss Alexia has seemingly been quite happy to take over Abby's spotlight.  She has not vocalized much and unlike her siblings who still thank God for Abby in their prayers, she does not usually mention her. It is like a part of her world simply vanished.  She too, at this 9 month mark has showed visible signs of grief in new ways for her.  She has come often with comments and sometimes objects..."mama, when Abby was here..."  She too has spent lots of time with her Josphina which Nana got her for her birthday.  It has been such a bonding force for her and Kali.  I can often hear them as I drift off to sleep putting the dolls to bed or braiding their hair or changing the outfits late into the night.  Healing comes in different and sometimes unexpected ways.  

She is also begging to learn and do school and is starting to write me notes like this one which came accompanied with the sweetest kiss, hug and I love you.

9 months has been more difficult for us then I imagined. Someone recently told me that 9 months is often when the reality of the finality sets in.  I think that is true.

My office is filled with plants from the funeral that are flourishing and doing well.  They bring me tremendous peace and provide tranquility. 

 The violets are brilliant in color and are in their second round of blooming.  The beautiful, ever so delicate, China Doll is growing by leaps and bounds as is the 2nd plant which I recently transplanted off of the original. 

While I am not always positive, I am trying my hardest to note the beauty in our pain. 

"Going on" is most certainly one of the toughest tasks I have faced but just as the gifts of beauty in the flowers mentioned and the small steps of healing each one of us is experiencing, I am confident in the strength of the one who continues to carry us through the day to day toughness. He is the reason we are able to keep living in the midst of darkness and grief.  Blessed be HIS name!