Celebrating Abby ~ A photo journal of her funeral ~ July 19, 2014

I always thought that people who took pictures of funerals and the deceased were a little disturbed until it was our turn to bury our precious Baby, Abby Marie.  She was taken away from us much to soon and all of a sudden everything in my sentimental nature decided to go against the grain and ask for some professional photographer friends of mine to preserve the moments we otherwise would probably not remember.
****  Be aware there are some photos here of her in her casket, so if that is to disturbing you may stop HERE.*****
The first series I am featuring were all taken by my dear friend, Shawna Riche.  (you rock my friend!  Love you!)
I have no idea but I have been told that well over a 1000 people attended the viewing which was held at our church on Friday, July 18.  Looking back it was much to long a time for our exhausted state and I literally hyperventilated towards the end.  Grief is exhausting and not anything you can expect to be any certain way. Our family is all responding differently. You will actually see some laughter among the tears.  If it weren't for supernatural strength from our faithful God above who gifted us with Abby for a few short years, I have no idea how we would survive.

**FYI  - you can enlarge any of the photos by  clicking on them

we asked for blue skies...

The family photo that was to be this year's Christmas card

Donate life pins and bracelets

The children were exhausted by this point and after some conversation we decided to let them pick and choose when they would be at the viewing

Our sweet friend Hannah coordinated events for all the children that did come 

Abby hated wearing shoes and also adored pretty nails so we invited people to come barefoot and with pretty toes in her honor

We cried as we watched the sweet tributes.  The one for the viewing was set to music from the movie Frozen

We decorated the area around her coffin

The lines stretched on endlessly...so many sweet friends blessing us with just being there!

Many precious hugs

My 92 year old Grandfather, David L. Wagler arrived early in the evening 

Precious cousins who I rarely see

My Great aunt Rachel Graber (Grandpa's sister)

When Great aunt Rachel thought she was alone she went back in to see Abby. I have to wonder what was going thru her mind.  She told me several times thru the week how she too lost one about Abby's age, her precious Leroy.

Sharing kisses with Abby's little friend (and second cousin) Vidalia who she prayed for every night

My grandfather's load stopped by the roadside to pick these beautiful lillies- 

Then it was the dreaded funeral day which dawned bright and clear just as we had prayed.

One of the hardest parts...gathering for one final moment with her.  We placed small silver hearts over her chest and touched her face one last time.

Grandma and aunt Dini say goodbye

Sleep tight my sweet one ~ Mama will come too as soon as she can...

Someone donated red balloons in Abby's honor as red was her favorite color.  I have no idea how many, but there were gobs that kept the kidos happy before the service.

Then came the moment for the longest walk of my life...

The grief was almost more then I could fathom as I followed the small white casket down the aisle

It was a perfect service filled with beautiful congregational singing (She learned the old hymn "I am the vine and you are the Branches" at VBS this year and sang it pretty much every day since) and a duet by my Sister and Brother, Janice and Steven along with many special words and scriptures, a dvd tribute set to the song, Heaven got another angel tonite and some home movies of Abby reading and singing

                                        

So final...little white box with golden angels adorning the center and a plaque stating her birth and death

We gathered outside the tent for the balloon release.Since she always claimed to be 11 we started there and counted down to 0 before releasing.

Many more tears and hugs and family time and wondering how we will all go on from here.

I am truly comforted by the scripture that says "God will wipe all the tears from our eyes"

And tho we keep mentioning all the things we would gladly trade for just one more moment with her I am excited to know that her death is not the end but only the beginning of her eternity with the Giver of Life.

Having her in Heaven not only makes me long more then ever to go there myself, but also serves as a reminder of the fact that Jesus calls us all to live for Him so we can go to where she is.

I am looking forward to that day....

Abby

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning....The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.....

I am not all that joyful right now. My eyes and my head hurt from crying so much. Thankfully I did sleep,  for 4 whole straight hours actually.  My mind is swirling with all the details of our suddenly upside down life. I can't fathom that she's really not here anymore. Our Abby.  No not really ours, she always has belonged to God and just as He gifted her to us for a few short years, He decided He needed her back.

She was our honeymoon baby, another sign of God's redemptive work in our marriage that had fallen apart. We found out she was coming to join us on January 16, 2010 just a few hours before Lowell's dad slipped into eternity. We were back together a mere month after an almost entire year of separation. I was overwhelmed at the time with the fact that I had 3 other children who were 3 years old and younger. She arrived on Sept 14 of that year and from the very start she was different. Our 3 older blessings topped the growth charts with their heights.  She was barely on the chart. As a matter of fact the little purple swimsuit she was wearing at the time of the accident was size 18 months and tho it was a little snug she wouldn't wear the others I got for her. She was spunky from the start and more then made up for her tiny size with her massive personality. When she entered a room everyone knew it. She was a bundle of loud, darling, amazing energy.

We all kind of slept in on Monday morning as it was supposed to be a lazy day, one of my days off. I recently decided that due to the influx of clients I was seeing in my reflexology business, that I needed to schedule certain days and stick to them so I could focus on spending more time with my children.  I can not tell you how very glad I am that I made that decision and followed thru.  The last few weeks have been magical in that we did a lot of things together, moments I will indeed cherish forever and never forget.

Anyhow back to Monday.  We were all excited about Kendal and Maria's wedding shower that evening and most of the day I was going to putter around getting ready.  The children hadn't swam much this year yet as it has simply been to cold.  However, on Sunday Lowell helped them fill the stock tank that we used as a swimming pool and they spent most of the afternoon splashing and playing happily.  Mid morning on Monday they were all begging to go swimming again and I said they could.  I helped Abby into her little purple suit and sent her scurrying out the door, glancing briefly to see where the other were at.  They were all out there at the pool and I knew the splashing and giggles were already starting.  The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I should dash out after her and remind them that she was there but thought about all the training we had done and the habits they always carried out.  I quickly went to my office to finish some work I had started. I wasn't there for but a brief few moments when the door opened and I figured some wet feet would soon be scampering across my clean floor so I called out to see who was there. No one answered but soon the door opened again and Lexi says the words that will forever haunt me - "mama come, Abby drowned in the pool" I flew out the door and raced across the gravel with my bare feet and could see as I ran that Kali and Hunter were pulling a very limp Abby out of the water. When I got to her, she was limp. Her eyes were fixed in a straight ahead stare and white foam was coming out of her mouth.  I grabbed her and screamed out to Jesus to please save my baby and raced to the porch. Kali ran ahead of me and brought me the phone. I dialed 911 and pleaded with the lady to please hurry, that my baby was dead. She walked me thru CPR which I knew but couldn't think thru.  I finally remembered that I had speaker on my phone so I laid it down and continued working, following her instructions the best I could.  Kali brought me my cell phone as she had called Lowell who wanted to know what was going on.  I told him our baby was gone and to please come home quickly.  Suddenly there were people everywhere.  Air care landed out by the field. Friends and family were there and were holding me when my legs just didn't think they could stand any longer. The next hours at the hospital were some of the longest in my life. She had not been breathing for long enough they told us she had severe brain injuries and probably wouldn't pull thru but that only time would tell. They cleared a space on her bed for me and I laid there with her stroking her small face that was covered in wires and hoses.  When I couldn't handle it anymore I would get up and leave the room and go chat with the many friends and family who were holding vigil in the family waiting area. Our pastors were all there.  Pastor Leon and his sweet Jean stayed all night with us.  Jean would stay right at Abby's bedside rubbing her little legs and arms and any other place that wasn't covered in wires.  My dear friend Karma took off of work and stayed too.  She was our valuable go between and with her vast medical experience was able to walk us thru a lot of the tough decisions like weather or not we wanted to gift any of her organs.  Many other friends who I can't all name came and simply held me.  Laura brought me my clean clothes and would walk back and forth to the ICU with me and held me as I sobbed over Abby's bed. She has a dear sweet 4 year old who was one of Abby's dear friends. Then my family arrived.  Janice and Evonda came first. A few hours later my parents and Steven and Rhoda and my sweet precious nephew arrived.  With each new person that came, we would make the trek to the room where the horror of the events really became reality. We cried and prayed and talked to her and told her how much we loved her.  We sang as we could, singing her favorite Jesus Loves me and the song from her favorite movie, Frozen -Let it Go. 

The waiting game is hard especially when it's your precious child's life hanging in the balance. As Tuesday morning dawned bright and clear, it looked like we would probably be there another 24 hours or more as she showed an ever so slight activity in her EEG. We planned to gift her heart so we knew the process could get long.  The rest of my family had arrived about 7:30am and she seemed to be about the same.  We were out in the waiting room chatting and milling about when I had the sudden urge to go see my baby.  As I arrived at her room I saw several doctors and nurses standing there watching her screens closely and soon they were all there at her bed and more machines were being brought in. The doctor looked at me and point blank asked if I wanted them to keep resuscitating her.  I looked at him in shock and said absolutely not but that I needed Lowell to make sure he was ok with that.  Some one ran to get him and just like that she was gone. We had enough time to get some wires off of her and move the bed from the room so I could sit in a big chair and hold her. We wrapped her in a pink and purple blanket and I sat there one last time with my baby cradled in my arms. Her breaths were short and shallow but I could still feel her small heart beating. We kissed her and told her how very much we loved her and told her we would be joining her up there in Heaven and that she should go on ahead and that Jesus would be waiting to twirl and dance with her. I have no idea who all was even there but all to soon the doctor came and gently informed us that her heart had stopped.  They turned off the ventilator and announced her time of death as 8:30 am. I don't know how long we sat there and held her.  Family and friend poured in and held us and cried with us. Lowell took a turn holding her and then it was time.  Her little body began to stiffen and her lips began losing their color and the stench of death tickled my nostrils. I kissed her sweet cheeks one last time and smoothed back her hair. 

Then we were walking out of the hospital.  Our Sis in law Jannea had brought the children up to say their good byes and so it was just the 5 if us. It was surreal. I kept expecting Abby to come dashing out around as usual. I always walk along behind keeping a watchful eye on all the brood and she wasn't there.  Then we were home and people, food, phone calls and emails came flooding in.  Every time I open fb there are more messages and friend requests then I can comprehend.  

We can feel the prayers.  It is what gives us the strength to put one foot in front of the other. It is what helps me breath even tho I feel like there is something crushing my chest.

And we have hope. We know where she is-- in the sweet arms of Jesus and we know we can join her there.

Does that make this any easier?  NO!  Do we have any idea how our world will ever be set right again? NOPE! 

Right now we are clinging to moment by moment trust that the bigger picture will look prettier then the pain we are currently facing. We are holding each other a lot more and saying I love you more and we tell our friends to hug their precious children because life is but a vapor.

Abby's name meant Father's joy and while she truly was that her on earth we know that is one big reason she needed to go.  Her heavenly father wanted his joy home with him.

I never dreamed I would have to plan a funeral for one of my babies.  Picking out caskets and pall bearers and who will preach and who will pray was exhausting. We tried to plan a service that represented her vim and vigor for life and all the things she loved.  With such a small casket, 4 pallbearers is all we needed to pick. We chose people she loved to carry her to her final resting place, her cousins Chase and Nolan and our dear friends Kevin Kemp who she decided was her Kevin at VBS just a few weeks ago and her little friend Leah's daddy, Dallas who farms the land we live on. He was always teasing her and calling her Betsy to which she would respond with some loud retort, usually "Mr Stinky Pants". She just asked me a few days ago if I knew why she liked Dallas so much?  I told her I had no idea to which she responded "because he is sooooo silly".

Thank you for letting me air out the jumble in my brain and for your continued prayers.

Confessions From a Tired Mama

 I used to have a list of ideals of how people should live out the process of mothering. Now that my infertility and those crazy lists are but a dim memory far in the past I am learning more and more about the reality of mothering. ( how crazy ridiculous most of my ideals actually were AND how very judgemental I was of those hard working mommys in my world)
Most of the time I am hopelessly in love with the fact that I am actually a mommy.

But then there are those days....
I would have never thought going to the bathroom by myself would be such a big deal.  I now confess that there are times when I go in, lock the door and take a longggg time just so I can read my latest Family Circle or Mary Janes's Farm magazine in quiet. Usually at the beginning of the "time" there is much shouting and pounding on the door as if the world out side the door can not go on with out me. But as the moments pass, quiet actually sometimes happens and I get a few pages read that seemingly energize and help my perspective.
Then there are those times when the wining and seemingly constant bickering and picking on each other makes my brain spin and I now confess some of those moments send me into a state of oblivious dreaming of time far far away...(and yes, our little recent honeymoon hasn't helped with that - it was NICE to be ALONE and it makes me wish to be closer to my mama and sisters so we could do it more often)
My reflexology and essential oils business has picked up majorly over the past months.  I am busier now then I have ever been.  I can not express how nice that is!  I love my work and the clients who provide our grocery money but I confess it gets downright exhausting.  Combine that with regular life, cultivating friendships, caring for aging family members, and the fact that I have 4 healthy lively blessings (with unending energy sources) between the ages of 3 and 8,  it can look downright daunting at times. My house work suffers ( I can't even get into my attic/storage space right now ;) ) my kids suffer, my lover suffers.  I am exhausted. Period.
Recently I began to pray about our life, my constant huffing and puffing and some behavior issues we are facing with our children. I was drawn to Matthew 11:28 where is says, "come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest"... What is rest? Is that something attainable for/granted to mommys?
When I begin to analyze I must confess I figured out the obvious, I am probably mostly to blame for my own tiredness and probably in part for the tiredness of other mamas around me.  I spend way to much time worrying about what others will think of me and my mothering.  I worry about how others perceive my children.  I worry about the fact that I am the old one - I am almost 40 and most of my mommy friends are in their 20's or early 30's. (hmmm there is only one letter difference between old and odd- perhaps I will brand myself as odd instead )
Why do we as people hand out judging so freely when often like me in my infertility days I had no idea how exhausting mothering could really be? Why do we not spend more time encouraging one another in whatever tasks or places in life God has called us to, mothering or not? Like one of those days recently I opened up my fb and a friend from another state who I never see,  sent me this message: "I don't know why but I feel that the Lord wants me to tell you that you are a great mother to your children! So be encouraged and blessed by that! That's what He thinks of you!"  Needless to say, that message has a permanent place in my inbox.  Not only did it arrive in God's perfect timing but it was so right on in the exact words I needed at that moment!
                                           
                                      I thought this veggie tales photo says it so well -what a reminder!

So besides the fact that I want to be more conscious of my words and actions towards others around me, a big part of rest for me means taking some action. For starters, I  made the decision to work with clients 2 days a week instead of 5 or 6. I won't be entering my children into every possible activity and I am learning to say no even to good and fun things!

  Hopefully this will give me more time to spend with my little chef 

or drinking tea and celebrating life

I am also going to prioritize spending more time with my love 

Regardless, I must confess I think my life is pretty blessed, tiredness and all!